ColLove No. 1: To the One I Thought Was the One by Patricia

Dear You,

The one whom I thought would hold my hand as we both brave this cruel world; the one who once chose to be by my side regardless of the situation; the silly one singing with me in the car; the one who’s always on a hunt for restaurants that serve my favorite food; the one who always cooked good food for me after a tiring day from work; the one who can always tell how I feel just by the way I exhale; the list goes on.. I ran out of supply of my happy pill. I can’t believe I am writing this one. It’s been 5 months and I thought I was doing better. I was trying to push myself forward and not look back, but I guess the more I push it, the more it [painfully] pulls me back to the same spot where you left me. Sometimes I hate myself for still thinking of you once in a while. For looking back on how everything was before. For thinking of the what ifs. For getting lost in the idea of “us” that was left in me. I guess memories will be the most haunting part and the hardest thing to deal with. I underestimated that pain. Maybe because I was already hurt before, but man this is a whole lot painful than anything else. I still have a lot of questions puzzled at the back of my mind, but maybe some questions are meant to be unanswered. I mean, what would I get from the answers anyway, right? I’d like to think that they’re left that way, because I wouldn’t be able to bear even more pain than I am going through right now. Forgive myself first. Yeah, maybe that would be the very first step that I have to brave. I kept on saying sorry to you for being mad at me, I forgot that I owe myself the biggest apology for letting this happen. But how? It’s hard to admit that I have already forgiven you even without your apology, because I still want to be angry. Yes, I want to use that anger to get over you. To get over us. The “us” that’s already over. I want to speed up the process, but of course I know that’s not how it works. I have already set you free. Now I have to set myself free, too, to be able to get out of this circle. But I know I’ll get over this. I just have to embrace every day, every single part of it. I’ll be okay. -P PS: Be happy, always. x

2019

Dec 21st, 2019

Queen V × Patricia.x